Jake's Blog

I’ve been thinking about the first few lyrics of the Kendrick Lamar song “Mother I Sober.” “I’m sensitive, feel everything, feel everybody. One man standin’ on two words, heal everybody.”

It’s those two words that stick with me the most. I’d give anything to be able to heal everybody. Starting with my loved ones.

My family, my mother who’s gone from being married to one alcoholic to another. My sister who never got to know her father and instead knew a stepfather with no capacity for love or understanding. My friends that have suffered abuse and neglect, betrayal and abandonment, the burden of overwhelming expectation and the fear of no security.

From there I’d go on to the rest of the world. Heal everyone that’s been abused and tormented, traumatized by things they didn’t quite understand, things they still can’t explain. Heal the world, so we don’t need to heal anymore.

But I realize I can’t start there.

I realize I have to start with healing myself.

Heal myself of the pain of being manipulated and used for so many of my formative years. Heal myself of the scars left by my overwhelming self-hatred. Heal myself of the damage caused by misplaced guilt that I’ve laid upon my shoulders. Heal myself of my own trauma, my own losses, my own pain.

Because hurt people hurt people, as the saying goes. They don’t heal them. How can I spread healing if I myself continue to live in pain? If I’m exhausted, if my cup is empty, if I’m entrenched in my own pit of despair, I can’t very well be a safe place for someone else. Right?

Maybe.

Because this isn’t a one-size-fits-all process. No two people are the same, nor are they always in the same place on their healing journey. If we’re both on that path, we can help each other, stand by each other, pick each other up when one of us falls down. But I can’t make you take the first step. I can’t force you onto the path or pull you along with me. I can encourage you, support you, be there for you, but I can’t take the step for you.

I can’t heal you… But I can help you heal. And you can help the next person heal, and they can do the same for the next. Eventually we all can have our circles of healing where we bolster the people around us and carry on with them. And yes, there will be times when one of us is dragging the others down, is hurting them more than helping them to heal.

I think in those cases we need to remember that it’s okay to be selfish sometimes. It’s okay to step away from someone causing harm until they can continue their healing journey. The longer we try and stay around them, the further we’ll be pulled back. The less we heal. So let’s try and heal together. Take the step, put in the work, make the choice. Then maybe, one day, we can heal everybody.

And listen to that song, by the way. It’s a damn good one.